Saturday 25 February 2012

Sorry 'Fuckbookers'

Just haven't had a chance to blog for a little bit mainly because I'm blogged out but also cause I have been busy. Will start updating soon. Send your topics you want blogged about to my email above or join us on Facebook. 



Friday 17 February 2012

Real Estate Agencies: Full Of Real Fuckheads!


Before reading this, everything here is just humour so take a joke. It is only directed at my real estate property manager. I only kid about some of the statements made just for a laugh so don't take offence.

We either love them or completely despise them, however it all comes down to which department of real estate one works for. Like all industries, the real estate industry consists of the good and the bad, the honest and untruthful, the reasonable and the sleaze bag trying to scam an extra $10,000 out of your pocket. The major difference that separates the stars from the festering pile of underachievers, is those who  deal with the sale or those who deal with.... RENTALS! 

Hand me some hand sanitiser now!

Renting can cause major headaches, as the people you deal with in this department are usually so incompetent you wouldn't be surprised if they thought that putting a knife in a switched on toaster equalled 5. 

I have been renting my apartment for 2.5 years now and I must say overall I haven't had many issues with my property manager (Mary). However, today Mary was suppose to be inspecting my house at 9am to see that it has in fact remained clean and no maintenance needs to be carried out. The first thing one does prior to an inspection is usually say 'fuck' out loud in their head, then start making a plan of attack to ensure you leave Mary with a great impression.

Do I remove those egg white stains on the carpet first, or do I tend to the courtyard I despise so much and have never used as it allows neighbours to see everything I'm doing? Maybe I should pull the couch over a bit to cover that egg white stain until I it is cleaned next week? I should also cover the door leading to the courtyard with aluminium foil so Mary, who was not 'clever' enough to work in real estate sales, thinks its a feature wall! 

Excellent....

The house is looking spotless like always, which is more than I can say for my mobile office and canteen of a car. Though if any of my friends want a ride the car is also spotless, I don't even need to say 'don't put your feet on that contract' or 'that's ok you can sit on that it's only a yoghurt stain'. If only mother could see, she would be impressed and give it her italian standards review! I also made sure I would be home this time as I noticed Mary had opened my cupboard during the last inspection, boasting a collection of porn and lubricant. Thus leaving me very dissatisfied.

So here I am, sitting around awaiting the arrival of Mary, Queen of property management underachievers. I made sure I got up early on my 'sort of day off', just to re-sweep the courtyard after Melbourne's little storm yesterday. The clock strikes nine and no sign of Mary. That's ok I will just check my email as I have a phone conference at 10:30am. First email at the top of the list is from Mary, sent at 4:34am this morning.


Hi ____________

I am unable to attend the routine inspection we had scheduled for 9:15am tomorrow. Please advise me of an alternative time for next week on either Monday or Tuesday that suits you.

Kind regards,

Mary 

Ok so not the end of the world, but sent at 4:34am? Were you out on a crack bender or were you out there admiring the FOR SALE signs in the local neighbourhood, hoping one day you could make that career defining/changing move into real estate sales? We just spoke yesterday and you confirmed it was no problem! 

Why are property managers so tardy? Is it because they realise their job is not going to provide them with a nice ladder to that next promotion or is it because they just hate their life? 

Share your experiences with useless real estate agents on our Fuckbook Facebook page, or share the link to get the message out that property managers are the thrush of the real estate world!





Tuesday 14 February 2012

I Click Like On Everything I Post Cause I Can 
 
One facebook fan has requested this blog, a blog entry about people who update their status, comment on posts, upload photos and click like on them. Generally when I upload something to my wall, whatever it may be, it is something that I like. Most people will only post things that they like. Why do people do this and click like on things they have put up?

What sane person puts things on their Facebook page that they dislike? It just doesn't make sense! What really makes me laugh, out of pity, is when people write a funny comment on something they found on Facebook and then click like on their own comment. Who are you trying to convince? Do you sit their in stiches laughing over crap you post or are you trying to encourage people to click like on your comments by giving it that head start.

Another thing is young girls who upload pictures of themselves captioned "I look ugly in this" yet they click like on everyone's comments telling them otherwise and they do it on their own. Why would you upload a picture of yourself that you hate? 

Also, what is it with people that click like on EVERYTHING that comes up on their Facebook news feed? These people don't do much on Facebook but click like on everything and you find out cause your live feed above the chat has:

Matt 'likes' fisting

Matt 'likes' Andy's photo

Matt 'likes' cats that look like dogs

Matt 'likes' Kristy's status update

Matt 'likes' a photo uploaded to his wall

I really wish I had your enthusiasm for liking everything on Facebook, but unfortunately I have dug myself a hole with this blog which highlights droopy cocks like yourself just for cheap thrills. I 'like' cheap thrills. I also 'like' to record homemade puppet shows on Valentines Day with my penis as the lead role. I will make sure to upload it later so you can like it, cause I know you fucking will! You're the first person to click like on everything I upload.

Based on a true story:

There was this one guy, let's just call him Chris (that's not his name but everyone will figure it out if I put the real name up). Chris was like Matt, and when you opened your news feed you would be sure to see Chris's Facebook carbon footprint on every status. Chris 'liked' everything. Eventually people caught on and they changed his last name to 'LIKESTHIS'. Everytime Chris's name came up people would say;

"Oh, are you talking about Chris Likesthis?" or they would yell out "Likesthis".

Nobody wants to be this person. The moral of the story is quit liking everything, spread it out so people don't change your last name! Quit doing this as it makes you seem slightly more annoying than public toilet water splashing your squids eye.

Please 'LIKE' us on Facebook. Please click 'LIKE'. I'm serious just click 'LIKE' this once, we won't judge you.

Sunday 12 February 2012

The Facebook Aloof: Sits There & Does Nothing


Everyone has Facebook these days, even the Facebook Aloof! 

The Facebook Aloof is a species that has a Facebook profile just so they can be involved in the most minimal way possible. They only have a profile because everyone has one but hate conforming so they stay as low key as possible posting comments that are slim to mildly encouraging. This person creates a profile to use so they can 'sticky beak' into other peoples lives and stalk their movements without having to exert too much effort. The Facebook Aloof's profile page is as baron as the Sahara Desert and leaves a sandy taste in your mouth.

These people cannot muster up enough energy to create a proper profile and if they ever upload a profile picture you can be sure that it will be anything but one of their face, and if so it's from 10 years ago. These people make poor relationship choices, and due to the lack of enthusiasm and energy put into their profiles you can be sure they would be as useful as a priest in the sack.

What bothers me about the Facebook Aloof is that they choose to be a part of Facebook and feel entitled to all information we put out there, yet they are not willing to exchange the service. I'm not a fan of the one way relationship, I'm all about give and take. Like semen on vintage hotel curtains, the Facebook Aloof sits there completely unpleasant on the eye and annoys the fuck out of everyone!

You cannot even invite a Facebook Aloof to an event, your friends will judge you. Speaking of being judged, it is said that an aloof is someone who is conspicuously uninvolved and uninterested, typically through distaste. Thank you, I like to masturbate long words into my blog to give the impression that I am in fact a university graduate with some level of intelligence. Moving back on to the topic about inviting an aloof to a party, they would be a complete no show anyway and make you look like a fool.

Another annoying aspect of the Facebook Aloof is when they don't have their actual name up and they friend request you. Who are you and why are you adding me to Facebook? If you are going to request me as a friend on Facebook be creative, have a profile that stands out. Please see the example below:



This profile encourages me to accept your friend request and leaves me wanting to know more about you. It has a profile picture, shows what this person is interested in, the amount of friends they have and wall access so you can see if this person is in fact real. This man has even gone to great lengths to impress by putting up a jovial name because he is witty and intelligent. 

Take notes you Facebook Aloof, you could learn a thing or two from Anil Dikshit!

Follow us on Facebook where the content is less strenuous to read and little effort is put in to impress the fans. I will even give you the link and save you having to scroll back up and click the follow us button on the right you lazy c....

Different Material On Facebook

Join us on Facebook where it is completely different material, and a place where you can share funny statuses, pictures and whatever else for cheap thrills!



Saturday 11 February 2012

The Winner Of The Spelling Bee Isn't You

It is with great pleasure that I present this weeks winner for most outrageous spelling and grammar. Please see below:


Thank you for sharing your special 'gift' with all of us. Let's not forget last weeks winner who stated:

Hangn wiv my bruva frm anuva muva


Follow us at www.facebook.com/letsfckbook


Friday 10 February 2012

Siri: What Do You Understand?

If you live in Australia and own the new iPhone, it seems Siri is as useful as an asshole on your elbow! What do you understand? These kind of questions are just common, get with it!











Facebook Envy Will Drive You Insane


What is Facebook envy?



The feeling you get when you come across an old friend on Facebook and realise that their life turned out way better, and is more interesting than yours.

While you were dabbing your genital warts and ass rash with crushed up amoxicillin on cotton wool, that other douchebag you couldn't stand at school was getting married to a supermodel who can pronounce the alphabet through her vagina. If that wasn't enough to be envious of, they are building their fifth house in Toorak and are amongst the top 3 on Australia's rich list in the BRW. 

Facebook provides everyone with the chance to show off the good things that are happening in their life, in a bid to convince everyone that their life shits bricks on yours. Some people  get caught up in this vicious cycle which can cause a lot of insecurity. This leads one to question why their life is as exciting as watching a down syndrome seagull eating a chip. 

Wake up! There is nothing to be depressed about, nor any reason to envy anyone on Facebook as they only post what they want you to see. What you don't see from these people are their financial problems, the cuts on their arms, them being home alone on the weekend, and what the doctor may or may not of said about that suspicious rash, blister or discharge. 

We all want to feel important, so we make sure we put our best foot forward on Facebook. We are all the same, we eat, sleep, shit, piss and fart. We create the world we want around us by gravitating towards the things that bring us the most pleasure. Quit sitting at home stalking peoples Facebook profiles and go do something with your life! 

Admit you have a problem, seek help, and the next time that douchebag updates his status about his wife joining IL DIVO with her soprano trained flaps, don't be bitter. Click the LIKE button and smile.


Join us on Facebook by clicking the link below, so you can envy how amazing everyone is on Fuckbook. We wipe our ass with $100 notes, and sleep in Egyptian cotton sheets. Get around it!

www.facebook.com/letsfckbook



Thursday 9 February 2012

FUCKBOOK FACEBOOK

Our Facebook page is up and running fully now, find us on the right or by going to the link below:


Share photos, status updates and keep up to date with the latest duckface of the day.


Who Clicked Unfriend: Im'ma Find You, And Stab Your Cat


Last night you celebrated, had a bit of a dance. You just reached a monumental achievement on Facebook. You just ticked over to 500 friends. You cannot believe it's happening to you, so you refresh your Facebook page to check again and again. It's like winning lotto even though you've never won but if the big stiffy in your pants is anything to go by, it's just as good if not better than winning! You go to bed with a dirty pedophile grin on your face, and wake up to sheets that only say one thing.

WET DREAM!

Time to log onto Facebook after last nights big celebration. Your jaw drops, 499 friends! This cannot be happening, you were certain that it said 500 last night. Someone has removed you from their profile. Why would someone delete you? Who was it and how will you ever know? Maybe you should keep a book of names now like a little detective!

Why do people get so cut when someone 'unfriends' them? Get over it you fucking duckface! Maybe they didn't delete you, maybe they just left Facebook and unfortunately they were a friend on your Facebook wall! How do people even keep up when some have 34682 'friends' on their profile?

The mystery of who deleted you will haunt you day and night, you will not be able to cope, think, eat or sleep until you figure out who it was. Let this pointless blog be a warning to any of you who remove me from your Facebook. I will hunt you down, turkey slap you with my ballsack and stab your cat. Then take a DUCKFACE photo in your house with no pants on!

Join us on Facebook, and unfriend us for all we care.

Wednesday 8 February 2012


Duckface: Quack Quack, Throw Me In A Lake & Feed Me Bread

Duckface:




A term used to descibe the face made if you push your lips together in a combination of a pout and a pucker, giving the impression you have larger cheekbones and bigger lips. Not only do you look like a complete douchebag, it just makes people think you lost a big butt plug whilst in a brisk moment of anal pleasure. It is NOT attractive, nor appealing. I would never want anyone who makes that stupid face, to go anywhere near my genital region!

Please forgive the underline, for some reason its jammed and won't go away! Please observe the collection of Duckface's!



Futuristic Sunglasses Duckface


Eyes as big as tits Duckface


Roadtrip Duckface


Fake/Real Tan Duckface


Press PLAY :D


SELFIES: I Guess Since You Have No Friends To Take Photos With



Selfies:


A picture taken of yourself that is planned to be uploaded to Facebook, Myspace or any other sort of social networking website. You can usually see the person's arm holding out the camera in which case you can clearly tell that this person does not have any friends to take pictures. They resort to Facebook to find internet friends and post pictures of themselves, taken by themselves. A selfie photo usually includes a  push up bra for maximum "tittage", a herpe filled pout, a hand gesture such as a peace sign and a dress so short we can see their wax job (or lack of). 

Since the internet is full of slappers doing selfie pictures let's analyse and review some on a regular basis. I have nothing against selfies, we have all done some type of selfie photo, but it's the ones who have album after album of selfie photos...



Well hello there! Aren't you just a naughty little girl, yes you in the Kmart pinks! You should audition for that Swedish television show where you get locked in a room for 21 years and pop out some kiddies! No, I'm not talking about Big Brother you naughty little goose, I'm talking about Father Fritzels Love Dungeon. 

It's a good excuse to make friends with the camera whilst Father Fritzel is out on the town ruining other young women's lives. Then when you escape one day you can Ebay your Selfie Portfolio and make millions, and then go buy a decent outfit.



I'm an AVATAR, I have no VA-JAY-JAY! *lelelelelelelelelelelele aroooooffff lelelelele*. I'm not sure how to spell the noises they make but she has no pubic hair or baby box! Good for her!

Send in Selfie photos to our email or FOLLOW US on Facebook --->


Sunday 5 February 2012

POKE POKE POKE: IM'MA BE YA BABIES DADDY!



Look out adultmatchmaker, rsvp, redhotpie and all you other swinger party promoting websites, the Facebook poke is here and it's here to stay! Everyones had a Facebook poke, and if you haven't maybe you should either change your profile picture or quit being as frigid as a nun. There's nothing like a Facebook poke that says "Im going to impregnate you" or "l want to see you butt naked wrapped in cannelloni". Mmmmm cannelloni.

People don't poke others for no reason, it's to get their attention and sometimes is a way to meet new people when they aren't your friends on Facebook. So when is the poke acceptable and who can use it?

Sluts

Sluts love a good Facebook poking, it's like foreplay without the batteries. Sluts use the Facebook poke as a way of saying "Im sick of masturbating, and you have a pulse so come get me". Alternatively it's just a way of saying Im desperate, easy and may have an STI.

Religious People

If your not a sinner you can use the Facebook poke to say "Hey girl, can I trouble you for some holy water" or "Damn that sermon made me wet". Wet with holy water, you sick people. Don't worry i'll pray for your lost soul!

Drug Dealers

Drug dealing has become that little bit easier and more efficient now the Facebook poke has come into play. When your dealer pokes you, you know your hit of crack cocaine is ready for your hungry little sore ridden nose. Snort, Poke, Snort, Poke. It'll be a whole thing!

Hipsters

Hipsters love a good poking. When you get poked by a hipster it usually means "come meet us at some busy intersection where we can wear cool clothes, vintage converse shoes and set up a picnic in front of traffic looking carefree while our savers scarves flap in the wind".

Occupy Melbourne Protestors

Pokes are amazing if you have no job, direction or anything better to do than waste space while others contribute to society. If you want to start a protest of any kind poke some unemployed bum who looks like they have nothing to offer the world except over the top opinions and Centerlink payment receipts used to make paper aeroplanes. 



As you can see the Facebook poke is one of the most diverse tools to use these days, no matter who you are it has a purpose! Are pokes welcomed? Or are they just annoying and plain rude. There is only one way to find out and in a weeks time I will upload my poking video. Better get that green light working in the bedroom.

Watch this space, and join us at Facebook by clicking the follow us link at the top right where you can poke anyone including a couple of slutty fans! Alternatively you can share by using the links below, or you can do none and poke yourself in the nasty!

Saturday 4 February 2012

How Worrying About What People Think of You Prevents You From Living The Life You Deserve




So this blog is very off the Facebook rant topics below however it was requested. Please do not read if you're after a laugh, this isn't a remotely funny blog. I suggest you re-read "I couldn't call you to sort out our domestic, so I told everyone on Facebook through 30 status updates"

In life we are constantly bombarded with opinions, judgements and perceptions which can cloud the way we make decisions and alter the way we live our lives. Social media has also fed this problem through magnifying anxiety in peoples lives as others achievements and thoughts are displayed; creating the fear of missing out on something. Have you ever been in a situation where you had a goal to achieve but have let what others think of you hold you back, or take a different road? We all have at one point in our lives. The fact is no matter how big or small the task ahead is, we have all fell short at some stage due to being afraid of what others may think of us.

It's normal to care about what others think about you, it's all a part of learning and creating a life that you want to live. However, when you spend more time and energy focusing on what others think about you as opposed to focusing on the goals you have set for yourself, then there is a problem.

In my short life, I have experienced a lot for such an age which has dramatically altered the way I live my life, but for the better. I have always been very determined, focused and placed great importance on factors that enhance my life as opposed to those of which create mediocrity. In saying this, it doesn't mean that I haven't worried about what others think about me but I have made decisions in life that put me in the best position for me. 


We all make choices that directly impact on the eventual outcomes in our lives, and through these choices we forgo an opportunity to learn. Life isn't easy, it's not about making easy decisions, and it's through these decisions our character is questioned.

Have you ever thought about your life, where you are at, what you are aiming for, and what your purpose is? Are you happy? If not, do you know why? Many of us never stop to reflect on why our lives are the way they are, and more importantly do not create the changes necessary to improve the quality of our living situation. It's much more comfortable in life to take the easy road rather than making decisions that although are tough, have the potential to create true happiness in your life.


Only you can make things happen in your life. The more time you spend focusing on what others think of you, the less time you have to succeed in your own life. The best thing about life is you can always start fresh, and you can always create what you want in your life. Below are some vital tips on how to stop letting what others think impact the way you live your life:







  • Its important in life to know what is most important to you. By knowing what is important to you, you spend more time and energy focusing on that. Stop surrounding yourself with people, places and situations that make you question yourself because the reality is these people, places and situations have uncertainty in common.

  • Surround yourself with people who inspire you, who have characteristics that you hold or aim to possess. This will add value to your life and keep you focused on what’s important to you. 

  • Don't display your problems all over Facebook. When you give people too much power they use it against you. This in turn fuels the insecurity you hold and gives others the opportunity to slow you down from achieving your goals.

  • It's not always about you. It is so easy to breed insecurity by worrying about insignificant opinions and perceptions others "may" hold. Stop being paranoid, not everything is about you! Focus on what you have by highlighting your strengths and accepting/addressing your weaknesses through self-development.

  • Make decisions in your life that are right and you cannot go wrong. Sometimes the right decision isn't always the most popular ones amongst others but be strong and confident in that you are making those decisions to improve the way you live your life. It is also important to be mindful of the decisions you make and that they don't negatively impact on those you care for, and if they do your decisions could be selfish and not necessarily the right one.

  • Understand we all are entitled to an opinion; therefore it is just that, an opinion. It cannot physically hurt you so don't worry so much. When people freely air their opinions it says more about them then it does about you.

  • You cannot control what people say, do, think and feel so control what you can in your life and leave the worrying to others. What people think or say about you is not your business, and if your not surrounding yourself with them then you have nothing to be concerned about. Stop worrying about what others are doing, it's not your life to worry about.

  • Don't let what people say stop you from forming your own opinion about something or someone. People have ulterior motives, and there are always two sides to a story. Some of my closest mates have been people who other friends have not regarded highly in a positive light which ended up being far from the truth. If someone is not willing to give you a chance, don't waste your time worrying. Quit wasting your energy trying to convince them that you’re a good person.


To finish off, life is a tough road and we can make it easy or complicated. Understand when your focus is wasted on things that take away positive energy from your life and leave it behind. Life isn't like high school, some people are stuck/lost because they haven't accepted many of life's truths. Some are still focusing on things that don't really build character and present opportunities, but that's their life and lesson to learn. When you stop caring about what others 'may' think, you will experience life with a completely different mindset. It is in this time you will see success in your life, and be at peace with yourself.
Check-In, Check-In, Check-In: Yeah Okay We Get It, You Do Shit



Checking in to blogspot.com after a few days away.

We all understand this feature of Facebook, and when it first came out it was pretty cool. However, some people really use this aspect of Facebook way too much. It's great that we can communicate with everyone on Facebook as to what we are doing, but is it really necessary? Who wants everyone knowing their every move? I certainly don't, and why wouldn't you just status update if you had to?

What really bugs me about checking in is not the ability to do so, but the retard on the other end checking in. Some places people check in and the things they do when they check in just scream "I'm a floppy thrush cock".

Why do people check into their own homes? I mean seriously, what is the point? We all end up home at the end of the day, is it necessary to give away the location of your house? What's worse is people who do it regularly, it's just plain stupid. How is checking into your own home an event or something worth everyone knowing? It's like people who update their status saying something like "eating a sandwich", you just look like a fucking cum bubble. Also your clearly selfish checking into your own home when others have no home to check in to. 

Another one that is as pointless as checking in at your own home is checking in at the gym. Yeah that's great your at the gym and instead of working out you're on your mobile on Facebook checking in and probably on a treadmill walking on speed 4 and incline 0 burning 6 calories an hour. I have a tip for you. Don't take your phone into the gym unless its connected to your arm and playing music. I believe checking in at gyms is contributing to the obesity epidemic in Australia. Together we can fight this disease.

Oh look at you, checking in at a party or an event. That's cute. We all get it, you have friends and you're doing shit. Good for you! We all do shit and go out but we don't feel the need to tell everyone what we are doing because we are having too much fun actually enjoying the night. What's worse is when people check in with 48 people, honestly you don't have 48 friends. You have 4 and thats ok!

I remember when someone asked me on Facebook chat, "do you go out ever cause you rarely check in" to which I replied "Yes, but I don't check in because I don't want creeps like you knowing where I am and I feel no need to validate myself by impressing people with who I hang out with and where I hang out". We haven't spoke since, I might check that person into my next social event and fuck with their head.

Lastly, there is no need to go out at night and check into every location you walk past on a night out. Quit showing off. If I were to check into my night last weekend it would look like this.

- My House
- On my toilet in my house
- Cooking dinner at my friends house with 5 other people
- On my friends toilet and my friends house, he has a house its exciting
- In a taxi heading into the city
- Buying chewing gum at 7 eleven
- Pissing on a wall in an alley way in china town
- At Cookie in a booth
- Walking up to level 4 and individually checking in up until level 11 rooftop bar
- Talking to randoms at roof top bar
- On the toilet at rooftop bar
- Back to friends house, pissed on the lawn and went home

After all these check in's not only would you realise I did things with people, but you would think I had a weak bladder, a complete disregard for urinating in public/indecent exposure and that my high protein diet created a large inconvenience in my life. Check in if you must, but make it good!

I will be creating a check in video to upload in the coming week or two once I find a friend willing to film me in embarrassing situations.


JOIN US ON FACEBOOK, THE LINK IS TO THE RIGHT :D

Wednesday 1 February 2012

More Updates From The Drama Queen




Last week the blog below was released:




I COULDN'T CALL YOU AND SORT OUT OUR DOMESTIC, SO I SHARED IT WITH EVERYONE ON FACEBOOK THROUGH 30 STATUS UPDATES!


This has been the most viewed blog so far, but people have emailed wanting more updates from the girl who's status updates inspired this blog. So of course I tried my best to get some more updates, and I was not let down. How can so much drama occur in a few short days? This left me with lots of content.



The above status update tells me this lovely young lady has been stalking her ex-boyfriend. Word has got around and now she is trying to turn the tables, no one wants to look like a stalker. Even worse, a stalker with no relationship status.


The above status tells me she is having a bit of drama with her friends.



Pot? Kettle? Black? Who knows....



Getting as far away as possible from you. Who would want to deal with your crap? Snap out of it you mouldy cock.