ME NOW SPEAK NEW LANGUAGE

So here I am just doing my thing on the internet and this popped up! Too good not to post, even an Asian friend of mine loved this and printed it off to put on his mum's fridge :D



When I Grow Up I Want To Be The Weather Man!

We all have these people on our Facebook. Need I say more. Also take a joke, it's all a bit of fun so have a laugh and don't get up on your high horse.

Judging by my Facebook feed apparently there is a heatwave in Perth at the moment! Usually I get my weather forecast from the morning and evening news, however I am discovering a trend emerging. Apparently everyone has quit working on the mines and have become weather forecasters, which is fantastic to see. I was starting to get worried about how I would know what the weather would be like once our current weather men and women retire! 

I understand that the heatwave was ridiculous and therefore many updates were called for. So what's the excuse of regular updates from people outlining the weather continuously. An example of a bland update regarding weather is below:

The reason I am writing about this is because for some reason whenever the weather changes people go crazy on the updates as if we couldn't figure it out ourselves. We have seen the forecast on the news, and we heard it on the radio. What makes you think your update will create some sort of revelation for your readers? I mean thanks for the heads up and all, but I have 5 senses which makes me very capable of figuring out if it is hot or not.

Generally when I walk outside I am competent enough to judge what the weather is like. Sometimes if its raining outside I go outside and see its raining. Sometimes when its sunny and hot outside I go outside and think "It's a bit warm today better apply the SPF+30". Sometimes when its autumn the leaves go orange so I don't need to be updated about what I can see. Are we starting to get the picture here? 

There is no reason to update us, just like the 65 other people who thought we had an IQ of pomegranate. It's just a wasted status update to say something stupid like "it's hot" or "it's wet outside", and if you feel the urge to give us a weather forecast make it fun and interesting.

Examples are listed below:

• This hot weather is giving me shocking chafe, however its created a mickey mouse pattern in my groin area.

• Its so cold my left testicle has frozen and I cannot poo poo.

• It's so hot outside my ovaries are sweating.

• It's so hot that my overweight co-worker is starting to smell like bacon.

Well that's all I have to say about that! Im off to play outside. It's a bit hot, fine and clear, 31 degrees celsius at 40% humidity with northerly winds of 14km/h. Thank you, that was acting.


UPDATED: Oh the irony! Look what just came up on my news feed bahaha! I would like to say the man who provided this is a great guy :D but the timing was brilliant. If your reading this please just laugh as I know you would! 

Inbox Messages Sent To Me: Blast From The Past!

I really enjoy going back over my inbox messages because it reminds me of the time when lots of Mexicans, from Mexico I think, were sending me messages. They seemed like nice people, I just couldn't read and understand what they were saying. If I were a Mexican I would touch my taco while wearing a Wiggles sombrero. I like the yellow Wiggle, it makes me feel special in my pants and I would go there to create more yellow Wiggle controversy. Plus Geoff is always suffering from sleep apnea which could be related to erectile dysfunction. Back to the point, please see below and I apologise it's so small as it was taking over the whole page. 

Yes I know the editing is fucking disgusting but my mouse pad for my MacBook caught hepatitis and decided to be a complete Pamela Anderson. If I were a mouse pad for a MacBook I would be a dirty slut and work. Play with my click!

What was I meant to do in this situation? He had a Mexican lisp, I couldn't be rude and ignore!

Lastly the below status update was just too good not to display! He's not even Mexican, he has no excuse for poor English skills!

Comment, LIKE, Follow Us, Share.... Or do none, but you'll never touch my soft taco!

Australia Day: Bogans Out In Full Force!

"Fucking get some VB into ya C#@T"

"Cecil, stop touching ya sister its my turn"

"Fit in or FUCK off"

Tomorrow is Australia day and the above statements are a few that you may hear late into the night after a few of Frankston's undesirables come out to play. Australia, the lucky country, is a beautiful place to live but no matter how many years pass the bogan/racist attitude always rears its ugly head up around this time of the year. I have been seeing a lot of the third statement above being displayed on my Facebook wall today which has really made me cringe.

This attitude towards people of different ethnicities and cultural backgrounds is such a medieval way of thinking and is absolutely disgusting. This attitude is not to be tolerated, therefore any BOGAN who writes something of the sort on their Facebook wall will automatically be deleted! I encourage you to do the same thing.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

The Australia I live in is tolerant, encourages diversity and gives people the opportunity to create their lives the way they want.

The Perfect Australia I wish to live in would not include goon bags/long neck emu export, Ford/Holden utes owned by bogans with toothless girlfriends, and people who say C#@T and F#@K for every second word of a sentence.

If anyone should get on the next boat out of here its YOU!

www.thingsboganslike.com

Comment and share this link so we can stop bogans before they open their mouths!


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I COULDN'T CALL YOU AND SORT OUT OUR DOMESTIC, SO I SHARED IT WITH EVERYONE ON FACEBOOK THROUGH 30 STATUS UPDATES!

No matter how many people you have on your Facebook page, you always have at least one, maybe 36 if your unlucky. This is the person who always has a relationship problem and lets everyone know about it through continual status updates. This species is the kind that thinks they're so hard done by, the kind that is 99% of the time female around the ages of 14-25. This species only has the ability to focus on ones self and requires/craves constant attention. They acquire this by updating status updates that are dramatic and attention seeking, and boy do they work! 

Please see below for common examples:

&

Within minutes they have several likes and comments. Usually the comments run along the lines of "OMG hun hope you r k babez, ill inbox ya? shud I call u? im here if you need me hun xoxoxxxxxoxooxooxoxooxooxoox" or the more generic "What happened?" and "You ok gurl". Yes the spelling is usually like that as well because these young female species are selling themselves short by burning their brains with peroxide and bending over in supre mini skirts for the boys!

A couple of pointers you should take on board before your next Facebook rant:

• The only people who care about your status updates are the friends who are as dramatic as you and do the same thing to torment their Facebook friends through self absorbed updates.

• Everyone bar these people reads your update and says out loud "For FUCK sake, GET OVER IT!" and if your unlucky you get the good old UNFRIEND button.

• Everyone who reads it rolls their eyes and thinks you're a headcase/nutjob.

The reasons you have these problems is because you surround yourself with similar people and you are unaware of the hardships, the real hardships, others go through in this world. Excuse me for being rude by worrying about poverty, natural disasters, political and economical issues. Do these people ever stop to think about why their partners cannot be with them for more than 5 minutes? A box and two knockers will only get their attention for a short time (just a tip: you're not the only one with those assets, and there are others with those who also are less dramatic).

Lastly, what drives me crazy is when these people upload their drama every day and then when people ask questions they go crazy saying "Mind your business". Wake up!!!

I rest my case.

Comment below and tell us about your experience with this issue. You can share this by clicking the links below in the hope someone with this problem reads it and wakes up, or join us on Facebook by the link on our page.

Margaret Court Alive Still: Who Would Have Known?

It has been a topic of hot discussion for a few weeks now leading up to and throughout the Australian Open. If your Facebook wall hasn't had a link uploaded in regards to Margaret Court's worthless opinions then I will assume you're from Meekatharra and you and your friends spend the day shouting bogan like obscenities whilst drinking out of your Coolabah goon bag.

We are very lucky to live in a country that gives us so much freedom to be ourselves and express our opinion, however when our opinions directly affect individuals in our society there is a huge problem. The gay marriage debate has been ongoing for many years now and to be honest this shouldn't even be a debate, if you don't agree with gay marriage then don't marry a gay!

Why, in 2012, are groups of people segregated and considered equal yet cannot live their lives with the full dignity and respect that others abuse so freely? Why, in 2012, are we having to put effort in to stand up for basic civil rights? Why, in 2012, do we still allow certain individuals to dictate what we can and cannot do with our lives?

Margaret Court, who are you to voice your hateful opinion? What's it to you whether people are allowed to marry the same sex if they aren't harming you? And why do the media even give people with such bigoted opinions a chance to spread their hate campaign to try and revive the "fear and hate mongering tactics" that have held civilisation back for decades. I truly believe that for the most part, Australians as a whole could care less if gay marriage was passed. So why do we allow such small minded people to dominate and stand on the strongest platforms in our country?

A friend on Facebook uploaded a letter he sent to The Herald Sun and it sums up all thoughts listed above, but from a personal stand point. He is a person too, he has emotions, he eats, breathes, sleeps and lives in a world where he deserves no less than anyone else. The letter is as follows:

I question why your newspaper is giving Margaret Court a platform to preach such dangerous and hateful views.

I had a fantastic childhood with loving and supportive parents and family as well as an amazing group of friends. The one battle I did have however was accepting the fact I was gay.

This was in no small part attributed to the negative views and images that were and continue to be portrayed by people such as Margaret Court and encouraged through the publication of such views in newspapers such as yours.

Let me tell you in no uncertain terms that a person’s sexuality is certainly not a choice. If it was a choice it would not have been the choice I would have made growing up as I struggled to come to terms with being gay. And it certainly is not something that by working hard I would be able to change as Margaret Court suggests. It is something now I am glad that can’t be changed as it is an integral part of who I am and I wholly embrace that now.

I have no issue with people having differing views to mine and to voice them publicly providing that they are not hurtful, offensive and dangerous to any members of society which clearly Margaret Court’s views clearly are.

I couldn't of said it better myself and hope they publish it and encourage you to also send in your own emails and letters to The Herald Sun!


What are your thoughts on this matter? Is Margaret Court just a sign of old aged opinions that will eventually die out? Are their any positives to come from this, can we look past it? Leave a comment below!

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Facebook & Spelling: A Match Made In Hell

This section calls out people who upload shocking status updates that make you stop and re-read several times. Not only is the update itself something of low importance and completely insignificant, it is so poorly spelt with 99% of the words containing a maximum of two syllables. 

If you see these updates, call Crime Stoppers and then take a screen shot and email it to letsfckbook@hotmail.com. All images will be edited to not include names as we are not here to purposely embarrass people, but to educate our community to improve their vocabulary and grammar. Im not perfect and I make spelling mistakes, however I understand how to spell check or google words I am unsure of. Also Microsoft Word makes it very easy for us by underlining words incorrectly spelt with a red squiggle. QUIT IGNORING IT!

Today's specimen outlines the way people talk when they want to come across as rough, otherwise known as a "Gangster". The saying itself is not what bothers me, it's the way it has been spelt. It would have been ten times easier to spell it correctly and would have prevented our readers suffering from a migraine. 

COOK SUCK: GET AROUND IT!

Cook Suck is an online blog that reviews the meals people post on their Facebook page. It is brutally honest and hilarious! Check it out at:

www.cooksuck.com

Or LIKE us on Facebook by searching Lets Fuckbook and finding it in our likes or Search Cook Suck!

Quit Farmville Requesting Me: Grow Your Own Fucking Carrot Harvest

Farmville, we've all heard of it. Believe me we have!

For those who are not familiar, and very fortunate may I add, to know what this application is let me break it down for you. You start a farm, you grow cartoon plants, you feed cartoon animals, and you spend a lot of time doing so. Kind of like Tamogotchi, but adults seem to be playing Farmville which is disturbing.

I have no problem with people playing the game itself, and completely appreciate that you're a tad bored and want to escape the real world by buying and selling fake crops. Personally id rather fist a camel, can you do that on Farmville? That would be awesome! What really drives people mad is the constant requests on Facebook, which not only are embarrassing to read but clogs up our newsfeed once again.

A request is sent and usually runs along the words of "Amber sent you a magic carrot, please accept this invite so she can milk herself like a cow" or "Zac just planted 5 seeds, and wants you to water his crop otherwise his Grandma will die from severe gonorrhea". Well maybe they don't go that far but they run along the lines of it, minus the sexually transmitted infection. Do people stop and think about what they are doing before they request people to help them breed cartoon pigs and plough fake carrots?

Some thoughts on Farmville by some of my blog readers were:

"Just the word farm, do I look like I'm interested in farming? If I'm gonna play a game it's chess, Monopoly or poker"

"Cartoon aimals that require feeding, not my thing. Ploughing fake carrots, again not my thing. When will people fucking wake up and realise they spend their time in a pretend petting zoo world online. Get a life!"

Below are some images that really make me feel good inside. Find us on Facebook by searching Lets Fuckbook. I know theres no apostrophe an issue with Facebook.

The Number One Song When I Was Born

Now I have seen some stupid and pointless shit displayed on my newsfeed over the past few years, and this one is no exception. Lately I have been seeing images of cassettes displayed all over my newsfeed and wondered if I have been missing out on something important. At first I questioned myself. Have I fell behind with new trends? Am I the last one to join the cool cassette club? Jesus why am I writing a blog, I should be donning my finest mullet topped off with a pair of Dutch Clogs!


Why do we feel the need to get involved in such boring and time consuming activities on Facebook? What was so exciting or interesting about this particular application? I can only come to the conclusion that as human beings it is a fact that 95% can be compared to sheep. Oh I better click and find out the song that was number one when I was born or I will not sleep well tonight. Just google it you fucking fruit cake!


I would of loved to see Facebook users reactions on YouTube. "Mum, Mum, come here quick! Jacob's Ladder by Huey Lewis was number one when I was born". That's great, Im glad you had to know this information immediately, now mop up the mess that just came gushing out of your axe wound you weirdo.


What was more amusing is that every song that has been displayed is meant to be number one, yet none of the songs are songs people know. I am very eclectic and listen to music from all eras and genres but seriously who the fuck is Huey Lewis? Hopefully Facebook brings out a Huey Lewis application tomorrow where you can click to download his greatest hits! I've got a big fat in the pants anticipating the release, so exciting. 


A status update was uploaded onto my newsfeed which said:


"The number one song on the day I was born was Who Gives A Shit by Who Really Cares".


This really sums up what many of us were thinking and was quite amusing to say the least. Let's make sure that we are using Facebook to interact with our friends, keep in touch with loved ones and sharing moments that are nostalgic. Let's let people know when they are being gaping assholes of social media, filling our newsfeed up with useless crap and making themselves look like a microphallus.


Microphallus (n)


Definition: An unusually small penis


Analysis: Self explanatory


Alternative: Insulting a man’s private part is a very reliable way to put him down (if he’s smaller than you) or to get beat up (if he’s larger than you). Usually, even a dimwit can decipher the meaning of this word, after all, it’s just a combination of “micro” and “phallus”.



So, to insult a physically larger opponent, I recommend you use these words instead: PHALLOCRYPSIS (retraction or shrinkage of the penis), CRYPTORCHID (undescendend testicles), and PHALLONCUS (tumor of the penis).


In Summary:


In summary we can see that people actually get excited over applications on Facebook that add no value to their lives. These people secretly enjoy tormenting and annoying everyone else by adding to the garbage that clogs our newsfeed. Please think before you click next time! Don't be a hemorrhoid of social media, be strong, be responsible and be aware before you act.


Please leave any comments below. Has your newsfeed been filling up with the same cassette crap? Am I being unrealistic or have I hit the nail on the head. Don't forget to email me with status updates, images, stories or topics you want discussed on this blog by sending it to letsfckbook@hotmail.com!