Sorry 'Fuckbookers'
Just haven't had a chance to blog for a little bit mainly because I'm blogged out but also cause I have been busy. Will start updating soon. Send your topics you want blogged about to my email above or join us on Facebook.
Saturday 25 February 2012
Friday 17 February 2012
Real Estate Agencies: Full Of Real Fuckheads!
Before reading this, everything here is just humour so take a joke. It is only directed at my real estate property manager. I only kid about some of the statements made just for a laugh so don't take offence.
We either love them or completely despise them, however it all comes down to which department of real estate one works for. Like all industries, the real estate industry consists of the good and the bad, the honest and untruthful, the reasonable and the sleaze bag trying to scam an extra $10,000 out of your pocket. The major difference that separates the stars from the festering pile of underachievers, is those who deal with the sale or those who deal with.... RENTALS!
Hand me some hand sanitiser now!
Renting can cause major headaches, as the people you deal with in this department are usually so incompetent you wouldn't be surprised if they thought that putting a knife in a switched on toaster equalled 5.
I have been renting my apartment for 2.5 years now and I must say overall I haven't had many issues with my property manager (Mary). However, today Mary was suppose to be inspecting my house at 9am to see that it has in fact remained clean and no maintenance needs to be carried out. The first thing one does prior to an inspection is usually say 'fuck' out loud in their head, then start making a plan of attack to ensure you leave Mary with a great impression.
Do I remove those egg white stains on the carpet first, or do I tend to the courtyard I despise so much and have never used as it allows neighbours to see everything I'm doing? Maybe I should pull the couch over a bit to cover that egg white stain until I it is cleaned next week? I should also cover the door leading to the courtyard with aluminium foil so Mary, who was not 'clever' enough to work in real estate sales, thinks its a feature wall!
Excellent....
The house is looking spotless like always, which is more than I can say for my mobile office and canteen of a car. Though if any of my friends want a ride the car is also spotless, I don't even need to say 'don't put your feet on that contract' or 'that's ok you can sit on that it's only a yoghurt stain'. If only mother could see, she would be impressed and give it her italian standards review! I also made sure I would be home this time as I noticed Mary had opened my cupboard during the last inspection, boasting a collection of porn and lubricant. Thus leaving me very dissatisfied.
So here I am, sitting around awaiting the arrival of Mary, Queen of property management underachievers. I made sure I got up early on my 'sort of day off', just to re-sweep the courtyard after Melbourne's little storm yesterday. The clock strikes nine and no sign of Mary. That's ok I will just check my email as I have a phone conference at 10:30am. First email at the top of the list is from Mary, sent at 4:34am this morning.
Hi ____________
I am unable to attend the routine inspection we had scheduled for 9:15am tomorrow. Please advise me of an alternative time for next week on either Monday or Tuesday that suits you.
Kind regards,
Mary
Ok so not the end of the world, but sent at 4:34am? Were you out on a crack bender or were you out there admiring the FOR SALE signs in the local neighbourhood, hoping one day you could make that career defining/changing move into real estate sales? We just spoke yesterday and you confirmed it was no problem!
Why are property managers so tardy? Is it because they realise their job is not going to provide them with a nice ladder to that next promotion or is it because they just hate their life?
Share your experiences with useless real estate agents on our Fuckbook Facebook page, or share the link to get the message out that property managers are the thrush of the real estate world!
Tuesday 14 February 2012
I Click Like On Everything I Post Cause I Can
One facebook fan has requested this blog, a blog entry about people who update their status, comment on posts, upload photos and click like on them. Generally when I upload something to my wall, whatever it may be, it is something that I like. Most people will only post things that they like. Why do people do this and click like on things they have put up?
What sane person puts things on their Facebook page that they dislike? It just doesn't make sense! What really makes me laugh, out of pity, is when people write a funny comment on something they found on Facebook and then click like on their own comment. Who are you trying to convince? Do you sit their in stiches laughing over crap you post or are you trying to encourage people to click like on your comments by giving it that head start.
Another thing is young girls who upload pictures of themselves captioned "I look ugly in this" yet they click like on everyone's comments telling them otherwise and they do it on their own. Why would you upload a picture of yourself that you hate?
Also, what is it with people that click like on EVERYTHING that comes up on their Facebook news feed? These people don't do much on Facebook but click like on everything and you find out cause your live feed above the chat has:
Matt 'likes' fisting
Matt 'likes' Andy's photo
Matt 'likes' cats that look like dogs
Matt 'likes' Kristy's status update
Matt 'likes' a photo uploaded to his wall
I really wish I had your enthusiasm for liking everything on Facebook, but unfortunately I have dug myself a hole with this blog which highlights droopy cocks like yourself just for cheap thrills. I 'like' cheap thrills. I also 'like' to record homemade puppet shows on Valentines Day with my penis as the lead role. I will make sure to upload it later so you can like it, cause I know you fucking will! You're the first person to click like on everything I upload.
Based on a true story:
There was this one guy, let's just call him Chris (that's not his name but everyone will figure it out if I put the real name up). Chris was like Matt, and when you opened your news feed you would be sure to see Chris's Facebook carbon footprint on every status. Chris 'liked' everything. Eventually people caught on and they changed his last name to 'LIKESTHIS'. Everytime Chris's name came up people would say;
"Oh, are you talking about Chris Likesthis?" or they would yell out "Likesthis".
Nobody wants to be this person. The moral of the story is quit liking everything, spread it out so people don't change your last name! Quit doing this as it makes you seem slightly more annoying than public toilet water splashing your squids eye.
Please 'LIKE' us on Facebook. Please click 'LIKE'. I'm serious just click 'LIKE' this once, we won't judge you.
Sunday 12 February 2012
The Facebook Aloof: Sits There & Does Nothing
Everyone has Facebook these days, even the Facebook Aloof!
The Facebook Aloof is a species that has a Facebook profile just so they can be involved in the most minimal way possible. They only have a profile because everyone has one but hate conforming so they stay as low key as possible posting comments that are slim to mildly encouraging. This person creates a profile to use so they can 'sticky beak' into other peoples lives and stalk their movements without having to exert too much effort. The Facebook Aloof's profile page is as baron as the Sahara Desert and leaves a sandy taste in your mouth.
These people cannot muster up enough energy to create a proper profile and if they ever upload a profile picture you can be sure that it will be anything but one of their face, and if so it's from 10 years ago. These people make poor relationship choices, and due to the lack of enthusiasm and energy put into their profiles you can be sure they would be as useful as a priest in the sack.
What bothers me about the Facebook Aloof is that they choose to be a part of Facebook and feel entitled to all information we put out there, yet they are not willing to exchange the service. I'm not a fan of the one way relationship, I'm all about give and take. Like semen on vintage hotel curtains, the Facebook Aloof sits there completely unpleasant on the eye and annoys the fuck out of everyone!
You cannot even invite a Facebook Aloof to an event, your friends will judge you. Speaking of being judged, it is said that an aloof is someone who is conspicuously uninvolved and uninterested, typically through distaste. Thank you, I like to masturbate long words into my blog to give the impression that I am in fact a university graduate with some level of intelligence. Moving back on to the topic about inviting an aloof to a party, they would be a complete no show anyway and make you look like a fool.
Another annoying aspect of the Facebook Aloof is when they don't have their actual name up and they friend request you. Who are you and why are you adding me to Facebook? If you are going to request me as a friend on Facebook be creative, have a profile that stands out. Please see the example below:
This profile encourages me to accept your friend request and leaves me wanting to know more about you. It has a profile picture, shows what this person is interested in, the amount of friends they have and wall access so you can see if this person is in fact real. This man has even gone to great lengths to impress by putting up a jovial name because he is witty and intelligent.
Take notes you Facebook Aloof, you could learn a thing or two from Anil Dikshit!
Follow us on Facebook where the content is less strenuous to read and little effort is put in to impress the fans. I will even give you the link and save you having to scroll back up and click the follow us button on the right you lazy c....
Saturday 11 February 2012
Friday 10 February 2012
Facebook Envy Will Drive You Insane
What is Facebook envy?
The feeling you get when you come across an old friend on Facebook and realise that their life turned out way better, and is more interesting than yours.
While you were dabbing your genital warts and ass rash with crushed up amoxicillin on cotton wool, that other douchebag you couldn't stand at school was getting married to a supermodel who can pronounce the alphabet through her vagina. If that wasn't enough to be envious of, they are building their fifth house in Toorak and are amongst the top 3 on Australia's rich list in the BRW.
Facebook provides everyone with the chance to show off the good things that are happening in their life, in a bid to convince everyone that their life shits bricks on yours. Some people get caught up in this vicious cycle which can cause a lot of insecurity. This leads one to question why their life is as exciting as watching a down syndrome seagull eating a chip.
Wake up! There is nothing to be depressed about, nor any reason to envy anyone on Facebook as they only post what they want you to see. What you don't see from these people are their financial problems, the cuts on their arms, them being home alone on the weekend, and what the doctor may or may not of said about that suspicious rash, blister or discharge.
We all want to feel important, so we make sure we put our best foot forward on Facebook. We are all the same, we eat, sleep, shit, piss and fart. We create the world we want around us by gravitating towards the things that bring us the most pleasure. Quit sitting at home stalking peoples Facebook profiles and go do something with your life!
Admit you have a problem, seek help, and the next time that douchebag updates his status about his wife joining IL DIVO with her soprano trained flaps, don't be bitter. Click the LIKE button and smile.
Join us on Facebook by clicking the link below, so you can envy how amazing everyone is on Fuckbook. We wipe our ass with $100 notes, and sleep in Egyptian cotton sheets. Get around it!
www.facebook.com/letsfckbook
Thursday 9 February 2012
Who Clicked Unfriend: Im'ma Find You, And Stab Your Cat
Last night you celebrated, had a bit of a dance. You just reached a monumental achievement on Facebook. You just ticked over to 500 friends. You cannot believe it's happening to you, so you refresh your Facebook page to check again and again. It's like winning lotto even though you've never won but if the big stiffy in your pants is anything to go by, it's just as good if not better than winning! You go to bed with a dirty pedophile grin on your face, and wake up to sheets that only say one thing.
WET DREAM!
Time to log onto Facebook after last nights big celebration. Your jaw drops, 499 friends! This cannot be happening, you were certain that it said 500 last night. Someone has removed you from their profile. Why would someone delete you? Who was it and how will you ever know? Maybe you should keep a book of names now like a little detective!
Why do people get so cut when someone 'unfriends' them? Get over it you fucking duckface! Maybe they didn't delete you, maybe they just left Facebook and unfortunately they were a friend on your Facebook wall! How do people even keep up when some have 34682 'friends' on their profile?
The mystery of who deleted you will haunt you day and night, you will not be able to cope, think, eat or sleep until you figure out who it was. Let this pointless blog be a warning to any of you who remove me from your Facebook. I will hunt you down, turkey slap you with my ballsack and stab your cat. Then take a DUCKFACE photo in your house with no pants on!
Join us on Facebook, and unfriend us for all we care.
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